thanksgiving 2010

he was a little nervous. and so was i.
dad has ALWAYS cooked the turkey.
so we really encouraged him to do it this year.

warren and i took him out the sunday before thanksgiving to buy the turkey.
easy trip.

on wednesday, i went over to the apartment to check on the thawing.
looking good.
"now how should i cook this?" he asked.
we flipped it over and got the directions.
20 minutes per pound.
did the math.
wrote it on a sticky note.
stuck on cabinet.
then dad started looking for "the pan". this pan belonged to my grandma, it's old and looks disgusting, but it's seasoned with many years of turkey and love.
the top part was in his pantry closet.
hmmm, where's the bottom.
i checked the oven, maybe he was trying it for size.
yep, there it was.
"so, how do you think i should cook the turkey?" dad asked.

so i pulled the sticky note off the cabinet, stuck it to the turkey pan.
and added "put it in at 7, we will eat at 1".

can he do it?
my husband asked if i had a back up plan.
vegetarian thanksgiving?

wednesday night, dad called.
dad never calls.
he was okay, but just confirming the directions, needing reassurance.
i pumped him up!

thanksgiving morning, i called at 10:30.
good news, turkey in, smelling great.
dad was in a good mood.
we had decided to have our first thanksgiving with just dad, the three of our four kids that made it home, and son #2's girlfriend.

dad had refused every time i suggested that warren go over and pick him up.
i was so concerned with him carrying that hot, heavy bird out of the apartment and to his car. and a little concerned that he may get lost in the 5 miles to my house.
he hasn't driven over here in months.
so warren and i devised a plan.
when it was noonish, warren went out to put gas in the car. and while he was out, he just "stopped by" to check on the progress of the turkey.

he went over and sent me a text that everything was good.
turkey almost ready.

at around one, everyone showed up.
dad walked in proudly carrying the turkey.











of course we all made a big deal about it. he showed son #2 how to sharpen the knife. then he proceeded to cut the turkey. i had to look away as did son #2's girlfriend.



it was a fabulous meal and we had a blast.
dad seemed relaxed and genuinely happy.

*later, i asked my husband what dad said when he had gone to the apartment to check on him. warren said, he acted like that was the plan the whole time. never questioned it at all.
HA!
i'm learning :)

what a wonderful day!

doesnt' he look handsome?

for the past several days, dad has mentioned to me that he was ready for a haircut.
he hadn't had one since he moved here 6 months ago, and i didn't push it.
his hair is gorgeous, snowy white with a little curl.
but he was starting to look like a mad scientist!

i called my friend karen monday morning and she said she could give him a cut at 4.
she is the most wonderful hair stylist i have ever known. our kids are similar in age and we are members of the same church. i knew she would be great with dad.

so i called him up and told him. he was excited.
then, about 2:30 the phone rang.
oh no, he's backing out, i thought.

"what time did you tell me you were coming?" he asked.
"i'll be over about 3:30", i told him.
"good" he said, "three ladies just met me in the hall and told me they were coming to cut my hair!"
we both laughed so hard.

so i went over and we worked on his puzzle a few minutes and then i got a call from son #2.
he said he had been by our house and he wanted to show me something.
i asked if he would meet us at the hair salon.

when we got to the salon, jordan was waiting.
he had picked up the ENGAGEMENT RING!!!!! for his sweetie.
it was great that dad was there to see it. i had given jordan mom's engagement ring and he had used the stone in a new setting. it was absolutely fabulous. dad got a little teared up, as did i.
(if you live in mooresville, please keep this a secret!)

we went into the salon and dad confessed that he gets nervous in new situations. but he told me he was glad i was with him.

the haircut went very well. and he was so happy.

i told him i needed to run home to stick dinner in the oven. i invited him to join us, expecting the usual "no". but he said yes!

i put dinner in the oven and we chatted for the hour and a half until dinner was ready and my husband had arrived home. we had great conversation and he really enjoyed himself.
our neighbor came over as we were finishing dinner, had a plate with us and talked to my dad about a big grill he is building. right up dad's alley!

later, we drove him home and were bursting with joy the whole way back :)

beatitudes for friends of the aged

BLESSED are they who understand my faltering step and palsied hand.

BLESSED are they who know that my ears today must strain to catch the things they say.

BLESSED are they who seem to know that my eyes are dim and my wits are slow.

BLESSED are they who looked away when coffee spilled at the table today.

BLESSED are they with a cheery smile who stop to chat for a little while.

BLESSED are they who never say, "You've told that story twice today."

BLESSED are they who know the ways to bring back memories of yesterdays.

BLESSED are they who make it known that I'm loved, respected and not alone.

BLESSED are they who know I'm at a loss to find the strength to carry the Cross.

BLESSED are they who ease the days on my journey Home in loving ways.

grocery shopping

i had talked to dad yesterday and he said he would like to go out and get a new puzzle.
i called around 10 and he said he wanted to go out.
he needed a new puzzle and some groceries.
our routine is that we take a look around and make a list for what he needs from the store.
we went to micheal's first. it was a struggle for him to pick a puzzle, but we finally did.
we choose a jane wooster scott puzzle, 550 pieces. birdhouses.
these are great puzzles, because they are like puzzles within puzzles, bright colors, not super easy, but not frustrating for dad.
when we left, he was totally agitated.
he said he just felt out of it.
i think anything out of his ordinary comfortable day stresses him.
he talked about his mother, who had dementia, and told me he understood what she must have gone through.
he talked about being a burden.
he realizes where this is heading and he hates it.
i told him he was doing all the right things, eating well, exercising, visiting, doing his puzzles.
i told him i know it is frustrating and that he is doing a great job.
i told him we will make the best of it.
i told him i know you love me and i know you know i love you, and we will make the best of it. there is no cure, but research is being done all the time.
after our trip to lowes grocery store, we went to his apartment.
he asked me if i thought he could handle grocery shopping on his own.
i said sure.
he said shopping with me was stressful for him.
3 weeks ago he said it stressed him to do it alone.
i came home and had lunch with my husband.
i really wanted a beer but we did not have one in the house :)

morning call

i usually try to call dad around 11 am or so because i know he will probably be up and about. yesterday i called and he was very upbeat. talking about the beautiful day and all that he had to do.

he was bragging about almost finishing the last puzzle he has been working on.
it was a fall scene, a folk-art type of picture.
it was 550 pieces, which is quite large, but there were lots of "little" puzzles within the big picture.
the puzzles have been a wonderful thing for him.
he really enjoys them and he says his mind is the clearest when he works on them.
he feels a sense of accomplishment too i think.
and having a puzzle on the table gives our 15 year old daughter something to do when we go visit, i think she really loves it in fact!
the first few puzzles we bought at walmart or target but they were very expensive.
i discovered that the dollar tree and micheal's have a good selection of puzzles as well.
and i can usually find a micheal's coupon for 40 or 50% off!

dad did talk about moving back to his house if it doesn't sell soon.
so i just told him he would miss me too much and i would miss him.

worry

called dad wednesday morning to see if he would like to go grocery shopping.
he was awake, but still in bed.
alarming things he said to me:
i just don't know where i am.
i owe so many people money, i just don't know how i'm going to sort this all out.
it's just a big mess.
i need help, lots of help, and i know it.

i immediately went over.
with 15 minutes, he had gotten up, dressed, and was making his usual breakfast of juice, cereal, fruit, and coffee.
he was much more settled.
i wonder if it's normal for those with AD to be weird when they first wake up.

after he ate, we sat down at the table, and paid his bills.
he had already paid the rent.
after i wrote the bills, he signed the checks.
then i called the bank and got his balance.
then i subtracted the bill amounts and told him what he had to live on for the month (which was more than sufficient).
he relaxed and told me that mom had always paid the bills and he just wasn't comfortable with it.
i reassured him that i am more than happy to help.

dinner

i've invited my dad over to my house countless times and he always refuses.
i wonder if he's nervous driving the 5 miles here, afraid he will get lost.
so i don't push.
today, i called him and said, "i'm bringing stuff over to your house to make dinner".
he said, "well, i hope i'll be good company".
i told him it didn't matter, i just wanted to be with him and it had been a while since we shared a meal.
so whitney and i showed up at 4:30 with food to cook.
he was a little freaked out.
i mean, not comfortable.
he kept rambling in the refrigerator for what he could add to the meal.
he had some little steaks that he needed to cook, so we pulled those out.
he was obviously a little agitated.
he tested his blood sugar, 154, normal.
we went for a walk, that helped.
we came back and he and whit cleaned the puzzles off the table while i prepared dinner.
at dinner, he was still out of sorts.
after dinner, warren had to run whit to a babysitting job, so it was just dad and i.
he talked about how frustrating it was to not feel comfortable driving in mooresville.
i reassured him that i would love to drive him.
and that i am so happy that he is here where i can help.
i wonder if he's worse since he's been in mooresville or if i am just aware of his condition more.
i know he needs help and guidance.
but i know he hates it.
warren came back and they settled in front of the tv for some baseball.
now that's what calms him!
i cleaned the kitchen. he still does a pretty good job but i was happy to have an excuse to get in there and wipe down the counters and appliances.
by the time we left, things were great.
his memory was excellent tonight i thought, but he was just restless.
next time, i will prepare a casserole or something to just pop in the oven.
something that doesn't need too much preparation or fuss.
trial and error.
i'm not afraid to try!

why i'm here

my mom died on december 26, 2005 after a six week illness.
my dad was devastated.
he moved to be close to her grave in virginia.
six months later, he moved back to an over-55 apartment complex kernersville, nc, the city where they had lived.
a few months later, he bought a house in kernerville in the neighborhood where they had lived.
less than a year later, he bought another house, still in kernersville, in a different neighborhood.
each time moving, he was sure that his life would be better.
from the beginning, my husband and i encouraged him to move to mooresville, nc to be closer to us.

looking back, this poor judgement may have been the first signs of his dementia.

he finally moved closer to me in june 2010.
we found a wonderful over-55 brand new apartment for him.
the folks are nice and he is comfortable.
not necessarily happy, but comfortable.

since he's been here, i have seen how his mental health has deteriorated over the years. things he could hide in a 3 hour visit are more visible on a day-to-day basis.
what i though then was stubbornness i now see was brain loss.
he's extremely healthy, except for his memory!

i believe we are in the very beginning stages of this.
he is still able to care for himself.
he's clean.
he cooks.
his house is clean.
he takes his medicines (i got a pill case for him).
he is able to do laundry (although i think that may leave him soon).
he pays his bills.
he loves to go for walks.
he visits with his neighbors.
i'm not sure he knows how to use the phone.....

i have an older sister and a younger brother who live in virginia.
one of the purposes of this blog is to keep them posted without calling or emailing for every little thing.
another is to document my journey and be able to express feelings.

by the way, i have an amazingly supportive husband who loves me and my dad very much.
we have a 15-year-old daughter at home and three older sons who have moved out.